farah ayaad

All my life, I have prioritized love over everything. I lived by the “family comes first” mantra. And for the longest time ever, I believed that if you’ve got love, you’ve got everything.

Then, life happened. Heartbreak happened. And so did disappointment.

My heart sees the best in people. It believes in second chances and it believes in people even if they don’t believe in themselves. My heart falls for the wrong people over and over again. My heart, it loves too much. It loves the ugly, the twisted, the flawed and the damaged. My heart sees through people’s pain and it feels for them like its own. My heart is vulnerable,

My brain sees people for who they really are. It predicts people’s behaviors and it sees things before they happen. My brain knows the right thing to do. My brain, it thinks too much. It thinks deeply and it cares about the little things. My brain recognizes broken patterns and empty promises. My brain knows when something is not meant to be.My brain always knows that I deserve better. And that I will always want more.

My heart is golden, but my brain is priceless. 

If I keep following my heart, I will be falling for the same crap over and over again. If I keep listening to what my heart tells me, I will set myself up for failure. If I prioritize my heart over my brain, I will be unconsciously settling. If I continue to choose my heart instead of my brain, slowly but surly, I will lose myself. I will lose everything that I have ever believed in. And that’s why I am changing.

Losing My Mother.

My mind cannot comprehend a life with her. My mum is my everything. She’s both of my parents, my sibling, the cool aunt, and my best friend. I’m scared to lose my biggest fan and ultimate support system. I’m scared to lose my source of happiness. I’m scared to lost my safest and warmest place on this planet.

Living An Ordinary Life.

I’m scared to wake-up one day realizing that I never made my dreams come true and that I never went to the places I said I would go. That I won’t feel the magic in this world. I’m scared that I will bury myself in a job instead of chasing after the meaning of life. I’m scared that my existence will go unnoticed.

Watching My Lover Die.

I’m scared of falling in love with the man of my dreams only to lose him. I’m so terrified to build a life with someone because I know that death can take it away from us in an instant. I’m scared that my child will grow-up without a father like I did. I’m scared that history will repeat itself. That I won’t get my happily ever after.

Forgetting Where I Come From.

I’m scared that I will get caught-up with life that I forget who I am. I’m scared that life’s challenges will make me second guess how strong, beautiful, capable, worthy I am. And that I will end-up in the wrong places with the wrong people doing all the wrong things. I’m scared I will stop believing in love.

I’m scared that I will become a bad person. A miserable person, an unkind person, an abusive person, a dark person.

I’m scared that I will forget about my purpose. About the things that inspire me to wake-up in the morning everyday. About the things that make me feel alive. About the things that add meaning to my journey.

Turning To Substance.

I’m scared that I will rely on drugs, alcohol, or sex to numb my pain. I’m scared that I will run from my problems and fears in life instead of facing them. I’m scared that I will feel too much that I will need something to make it disappear. I’m scared that I will lose myself to pain killers or an over dose. I’m scared to lose control in hopes to find it.

Photo Credit: UpSplash/jeremy-bishop

I am marrying the man who makes me question my sanity if I don’t commit to a life with him. I’m marrying the man who has the most beautiful eyes I have ever gazed in. I’m marrying the man who moves in the kindest, sexiest, goofiest way I have ever witnessed. I am marrying the man who’s one in a million, my kind of extraordinary.

The man who isn’t my soulmate. Or, the center of my world. The man who is my best friend instead. The one I can live without but choose not to.

I am marrying the man who I always believed existed but never thought I would be lucky enough to meet. I’m marrying the man who makes me run out of sleep because I want to spend my nights with him. But inspires me to wake-up early in the morning to experience the beauty of life, to give back, to engage in the conversation, to be a part of something big. I’m marrying the man who brings me back to the most magical moments of my life.

The man whose arms are the ones I belong to. The man whose smile instantly demolishes my fears. The man whose hips dance perfectly with mine. The man whose lips surprise me with how well they understand me.

I am marrying the man who makes me feel safe. I’m marrying the man who I don’t second guess the realness and the depth of my connection with or wonder for a moment if he’s the one for me. I’m marrying the man who sings lullabies to my fear of losing him to some deadly disease or an unfortunate accident.

I am marrying the man who loves me the way no other man was brave enough to love me. The man who takes care of me in the way my mother looks after me. The man who loves my curly hair, the shape of my body, all my tattoos, my obsession with the sky and my terrible jokes. The man who meets me half way especially when it comes to cooking. The man who resets my standards for a partnership and redefines my comprehension of intelligence. The man who travels. The man who reads. The man who connects. The man who cares.

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I’m marrying the man who sees me close enough to how I see myself; not broken, not perfect, not lost. Just beautifully, tragically, unapologetically.. a unique human in the making.

By the beach.

5 years from now, I’ll be living by the beach. I’ll have a golden retriever who I occasionally go on walks with, maybe a run or two every week. I’ll surf like a pro. And it will be one of my to go to hobbies. I’ll read by the beach. I’ll swim at the beach. I’ll meditate by the beach. I’ll go on dates by the beach. Heck, I’ll dance by the beach.

With you.

5 years from now, I see myself with you. The man of my dreams. My forever person. The one for me. I see myself married to you. And I see us in the most beautiful home we could’ve ever imagined. I see us as a family, as a dream come true. I see emotional security just as much as I see the financial one. I feel safe just thinking about that place. The place where I am finally home. Where the sun never fades and the moon is brighter than ever.

At the top.

5 years from now, I see myself where I deserve to be. I see myself some place magical. I see myself way up high among the brightest stars. I see myself with a published poetry book. I see myself with the body I’ve always dreamed of. I see myself wearing clothes that resemble me. I see myself with people who see me. The ones who admire me, adore me, but most importantly, love and accept me for who I am. I see myself doing the kind of shit I like. Dancing. Travelling. Connecting with people. Discovering. Exploring. Making Mistakes. Living the moment.

On the edge of glory.

5 years from now, I see myself stargazing. I see myself exactly where I have always wanted to be. I see myself as a daughter, a best-friend, a wife. I see myself as someone’s role model or companion. An inspiration. A story worth-telling. A dream come true.

I’ll see you soon.

1. I don’t fit in, I never will.

2. I didn’t change for you.

3. I follow my heart.

4. I bottle-up my feelings.

5. I’m so impatient.

6. I believe in second chances.

7. I don’t know when to let go.

8. I don’t know how to give-up.

9. I lose myself in the people I love.

10. I let the things I love destroy me.

11. I live in the moment but I still worry about the future.

12. I see right through people’s bullshit and I let it slide.

13. I’m attracted to people who are basically bad news.

14. I believe love can save the world.

15. I believe in numbers, magic and energy.

16. I mostly see things before they happen and still get hurt when they do.

17. I don’t listen when people warn me.

18. I like to experience things on my own instead.

19. I’ve never been in a relationship.

20. I don’t have a lot of insecurities.

21. I’m confident about the person I am.

22. I don’t care for what others think or say of me.

23. I’m always there for people when they need me.

24. I let people take me for granted.

25. I don’t make a big deal about where I come from.

26. I don’t believe in religion.

27. I hate politics.

28. I cry when something gets to me.

29. Anything can get to me like kindness or some meaningful gesture.

30. I feel bad for bullies and assholes.

31. When I get mad, I become someone else.

32. I love deeply.

33. I’m loyal to those who haven’t earned it, who aren’t worth it.

34. I fall even deeper.

35. I see the best in people.

36. Sometimes I forget all I have been through.

37. I also tend to forget how far I’ve come.

38. I take my time with moving forward in my life.

39. Because when I’m over something, I am over it forever.

40. I like spending time with myself than with people.

41. I’m nice to people I don’t like.

42. I’m respectful to people I don’t respect.

43. I over-think.

44. I don’t care about money.

45. I believe in the power of the people.

46. I hate it when people lie.

47. I hate it when people pretend to be someone they’re not.

48. I can eat ice-cream and frozen yogurt any time of the day all four seasons.

49. I don’t compare myself to other people.

50. I don’t get jealous.

51. I’m often misunderstood.

52. I watch tv shows instead of the news.

53. I don’t like social media.

54. I want to live somewhere good.

55. I want to wake-up to the sound of the beach.

56. I want to listen to Latin music in the morning.

57. I want to have exciting, fun breakfast.

58. I want to have a fit body without working for it.

59. I don’t want fame.

60. I’ll do anything for love.

61. I adore kids but I don’t want to have them.

62. I never want to go back home.

63. I want to have a dog but I don’t want to own it.

64. I’m not a fan of jewelry.

65. I’m obsessed with music videos.

66. I don’t believe in governments.

67. I think life is beautiful.

68. I want to make the world a better place before I die.

69. I’ve never physically harmed myself.

70. I don’t take anti-depressants.

71. I care a lot.

72. I care about the world.

73. I take friendships seriously.

74. I feel sad most of the time about things I can’t change.

75. I wonder how different my life would have been if I was born in a country of opportunities.

76. I’ll never cheat on someone.

77. I don’t see myself settled down.

78. I don’t date someone I don’t see potential with.

79. I play bad cop when it comes to certain situations.

80. I tell people I love them first. I tell people what they mean to me too soon.

81. I like to match people with each other and I do a terrible job at it.

82. I want to dance my nights along.

83. I think bad things happen for a reason.

84. I don’t understand why people leave and why they all of the sudden become strangers.

85. I’m not afraid of the darkness. I’m afraid of the light because it can be nothing but an illusion.

86. I trust my instinct over anything.

87. I’m not afraid to live, I’m afraid to die too soon.

88. I love unicorns.

89. I rarely take selfies of myself.

90. I don’t wear make-up well. I don’t know how to use it much.

91. I think sex is our token to heaven.

92. I love flying but I’m terrified of heights.

93. I think society is the source of all misery.

94. I don’t believe in medicine much.

95. I’m not afraid to live, I’m afraid to die too soon.

96. I love life no matter what.

97. I’ll never stop believing.

98. I’ll become all the people I want, the people I’m meant to be.

99. I’ll go to all of the places I’ve always imagined.

100. I’ll always grow but I’ll never change on the inside.

101. I just wanna be happy.

I’m allowed to break hearts.

I’m allowed to say no. I’m allowed to reject someone because I don’t think they are good enough. I’m allowed to leave a place I don’t belong to, a place that tames me, a place that limits me. I’m allowed to chase my dreams even if it means we never see each other again. I’m allowed to say the truth especially when it hurts the most. I’m allowed to doubt you. I’m allowed to question your intentions. I’m allowed to look you in the eyes and wonder if there’s anything worth finding. I’m allowed to forgive you when I’m ready to. I’m allowed to let you in when you’ve earned it.

I’m allowed to wear my feelings fearlessly.

I’m allowed to get angry. I’m allowed to be upset, hurt, disappointed. I’m allowed to show you the crazy, the ugly, the sad, the madness. I’m allowed to live in the moment without caring about the consequences for once. I’m allowed to feel. I’m allowed to feel so much that there’s nothing left to feel. I’m allowed to feel so deeply that I keep on diving in an ocean of emotions. I’m allowed to be the kind of love I am and I shouldn’t be worried to show it. I’m allowed to destroy you with how much I feel for you. I’m allowed to scare you with the intensity, the complexity, the unpredictability. I’m allowed to be anxious, I’m allowed to be tired, I’m allowed to be numb. I’m allowed to need space and disappear for a while. I’m allowed to want more. I’m allowed to care. I’m allowed to have a melt-down. I’m allowed to cry until I run out of tears. I’m allowed to be happy for no reason.

I’m allowed to make mistakes.

I’m allowed to choose the wrong people. I’m allowed to go after what’s not good for me. I’m allowed to make bad choices, terrible decisions. I’m allowed to fail. I’m allowed to damage things, to break them, to ruin them. I’m allowed to learn. I’m allowed to grow. I’m allowed to be human.